Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Assume The Position

Virginia was back. When I saw her walk back from Triage I grabbed my Diet Coke, threw my chart on the counter, and yelled to Lucy "I'm going to lunch!"

It was a good lunch.

When I returned, Lucy was waiting for me in the hallway with her hands on her hips and the glare of death in her eyes.

"You did that on purpose!" she exclaimed.

"Huh? Wha? You talkin' to me?" I stuttered.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about! You did that on purpose! You owe me big time Miss High and Mighty, Shit On Your Coworkers Charge Nurse!"

It was at this point I could no longer contain my laughter, or my Diet Coke. The latter of which came spurting out my nose.

"What happened?" I giggled.

Lucy proceeded to tell me about her fun time with Miss Virginia. Apparently, Miss Virginia's symptoms had returned. She had gone out again with Mr. Bad Man and had forgotten to bring along some protection. Not only did she have another wonderful case of a mucous producing STD, but she had developed a nasty patch of genital warts around her rectum.

She also had gained 80 pounds.

Assessing the area around the rectum is not easy to do when someone is laying on their back. If they happen to be obese, it's not even easy to do if they are laying on their side. Hence, we tend to place them on all fours - hands and knees.

Lucy had Miss Virginia assume the position.

Lucy leaned down and gently opened Miss Virginia's buttocks to assess the area. She was greeted with the longest, loudest, "juiciest" (exact quote) fart she ever had the pleasure to experience.

"My face was RIGHT THERE!" she exclaimed with a horrified look on her face. "I SAW the warts wave in wind as she expelled her air," she said as she waved her arms around above her head in a circular motion.

I started laughing until I was snorting.

"Oh sweet peas on a pod.....giggle.....snort.....Are you......giggle, laugh, snort......serious?"

"YES! And I just didn't know what to say to her," she replied.

Pardon you, might be a good place to start.


Amy said...

Thank you! I have not laughed that hard in a long time! (and I think I have taken care of her in the past... she seems oddly familiar. She may have a clone in every ER in the country!)

Coemgen said...

GRRREAT! Thanks for sharing!

Cory said...

LOL! I can feel her pain. These days, I choose ICU to ER but I did my share of years in the ER. (I balk when they try to send me there if we're overstaffed.) You reminded me of one of the many reasons I don't miss it!

The T-Dude said...

I knew there was a reason I went into politics and communications instead. Nearly all the a$$holes I encountered were wearing pants!

MY OWN WOMAN... said...

Love it! Way too funny.