All I Want For Christmas

My Christmas Wish List (otherwise known as Things That Would Make My Life Easier):

• A self contained, non-invasive, urine catch-all that would not require insertion into an orifice of any sort
• A stethoscope that works and cannot be misplaced on any counter, med cart, or back of a toilet
  
• An extra set of hands - preferably not grabbing my ass
• Xray vision. Seriously - wouldn't that be nice? Can you imagine how fast triage would go then? And how interesting it would be?
  
• JCAHO to allow Leather 4 Point Restraints for every meth head parent that comes in with an injured child
• Voice recognition software for real time charting and no need to sit my ass down in front of a computer to type it all out
• An applause-o-meter on the wall of the trauma room for when we get it right
• A pen that works
• Clocks that are actually synchronized throughout the entire hospital. I can clock in on time on the first floor, but be 10 minutes late on the second floor (and it only takes 30 seconds to run up the stairs).
  
• One of those hats that holds a beer on each side with straws coming down to your mouth - I'd fill it full of Diet Coke and never have to leave the ER (especially if I had my self contained urine device mentioned above. Hint Hint Santa!).
• A fully trained, ER competent new hire
• A small, light, yet lethal sledgehammer I can carry in my back pocket and use at will
• A deed to a parking spot at the front of the parking lot
• A doctor with a sense of humor
• To not have to attend another diversity workshop, customer service class, or communication seminar ever, ever again
• A hand held doppler that can sense the pulse as you get closer to the skin and gravitates to the appropriate place like a magnet
• A laser device that automatically takes someone's blood pressure, pulse, respirations, saturation level, temperature, and CBG as they walk, crawl, or are rolled through the door
• Thermoregulating scrubs
• A full 30 minute lunch break
• And a partridge in a pear tree