Monday, December 17, 2007

Lovely Little Rattlers

Do you see our little friend over there? Our little friend is angry. He does not like you to bother him. He does not like you to drink 5 beers, kick him with your boot, yell to your buddies "Hey! I found a rattlesnake!" and then pick him up. He does not like that at all.

And he will show you how much he doesn't like it - by sinking his sharp ass fangs into the soft meaty skin of your hand as you reach down to grab him. Not only will he show you, but all the staff in the ER will think you are stupid because A) you are drunk B) you kicked a snake C) you the tried to pick up said snake and D) you are male.

Seriously people........alcohol and snakes are not a good combination. From the basics of common sense clear down to the cellular level of your body - those two things were never meant to go together. Not like Simon and Garfunkel, Peanut butter and jelly, hot chocolate and rum (oh wait - is that just me???). Oh no - snakes and alcohol do not mix.

Mr. SmartAss came to us via EMS after the above altercation, which was of course the snake's fault and not his. "Damn snake bit me! Can you believe that shit? What an asshole!"

"What were you doing when he bit you?" I asked, knowing full well a 21 year old drunk male had to have been doing something on the stupid end of the spectrum to get bit.

"I was just trying to pick him up! He was all pissed and shit from when I kicked him. But I was just trying to get him to rattle! What an asshole."

Yes - because the snake sat there and planned this whole thing out. In fact, Mr. Snake must have been thinking 'I'll just wait until he bends down and reaches his hand out to me and THEN I'll strike. No matter that he just shoved his steel toed boot into my side and kicked me 4 feet down the driveway........I'll just wait for his hand 'cuz that's the good, fleshy, meaty part.'

Uh huh.


Initiate venomous bite protocol. Sigh.

The whole time Mr. SmartAss was with us, he could not stop cussing. Now, I like a good "shit", "fuck", or "asshole" just as much as the next guy - but there is a time and a place people. A time and a place. And the time and the place are NOT when the staff of the ER are trying to treat your increasing swelling, pain, and abnormal lab results.

"You mother fuckers! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Save me!"

"Now Mr. SmartAss - you're not going to die. Let us start an IV on you and give you some Crofab (antivenom yum yums) to help you. I need you to hold still please."

"You bitch! I need medicine now! Give it to me now! You're killing me!" He shouted while waving his arms in the air like a hysterical maniac and spraying spittle with every word.

"Mr. SmartAss, if you don't give me your arm I can't start an IV and then how am I going to give you the medicine?"


Just about that time, Dr. Q threw open the exam room door and slammed his clipboard on the counter.

"Listen here young man. If you do not cease your piss poor attitude and stop cussing and yelling at my staff we will not be able to treat you and then you just MIGHT DIE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME????????!!!!!?????"

Dead silence from Mr. SmartAss.


"Dr Q?" I replied.


"You don't have to yell anymore."

"Oh, yeah. Well, yes. Thank you." He turned to the young man and stared him down. "Don't be mean to my nurses Mr SmartAss. They are here to help you and I expect you to cooperate with them."

"Yes sir," he replied.

Sometimes I absolutely adore Dr. Q.

We ended up giving the patient 2 boluses of Crofab before the swelling stopped. We monitored all his labs and prepared him for transport to the University. The plane landed 45 minutes later and we loaded him on it and sent him off. I never heard another cuss word out of his mouth.


If you are traveling cross country with your son and making a video of your trip, do not film a "what not to do" scene involving picking up a rattlesnake by the tale. Seriously people.........if you already know you shouldn't do it, why do you? And why put it on film for future evidence of your idiotic tendencies? You KNOW someone will get ahold of it and use it to make fun of your ass. In fact, all your buddies in your entire fire department will see it during a training session - plastered across the big canvas screen set up at the end of the bay.


If you are going cliff jumping, don't climb up the side of the rock face to dive off the top into the river without first looking where you are putting your hands when you reach a flat spot. Snakes like the sun. Snakes like nice warm rocks. They do not like your hand - especially when it is coming at them like a hawk swooping in from the sky, hungry for a little snake ala carte.

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