Friday, January 01, 2010

Obligatory Resolutions

I hate January.

The month of "I-must-change-my-life-and-become-a-better-person-right-this-instant-but-will-probably-fail-within-2-weeks-when-I-rip-ass-on-the-gas-station-attendant-for-spilling-unleaded-down-my-car." Seriously. Personal improvement? Bettering of our lives? Pashaw I say. It's a bunch of crap.

You TOTALLY know (now I sound like my 12 year old) you will be back to your old self within 18 days, so why bother?

Alas, I've been told it is a requirement of living in our great United States of America that I must make a list of resolutions for the New Year. Who knew? Therefore, in the spirit of rebellion that flows throughout the veins of my soul, I shall make resolutions that I know I can keep, rather than professing that I'm changing my life and becoming the perfect example of a modern day Mother Mary. I prefer to make goals that fit nicely into my life and require very little work. Why not feel some bit of success, eh?

So without further ado........

#1 - I will wake up every day (Whaaat? You don't know how that is a challenge for me sometimes. I like to avoid the world, pull the covers back over my head, and dream of running my own country. I have admirers there - and servants. And they allllllll adore me).

#2 - I will go to sleep every night (Ok, so this one isn't so hard for me - see above. I like to visit my country).

#3 - I'll probably laugh a few times, cry at least once (maybe twice - depends on what my dear lovely manfriend does to piss me off), and yell at my poor innocent children frequently (don't worry - they're used to it. They've learned to tune me out).

#4 - I shall engage in arguing with my haters. Now that is always a fun time. Pushing buttons - it's a great thing!

#5 - I will find a few new blogs and love them for about 2 months. Then never go back to read them, until I find them again 8 months later and think they're new ones I've never seen before.

#6 - I will tell a story to Yolie and lose topic in mid-sentence, diverting to what we're going to do Saturday night instead.

#7 - I will read approximately 102 books, some of them twice - again, not remembering that I read them the first time.

#8 - I will tell someone I love them. Probably 5 or 6 someones. 2 of which will be my children, 1 my dog, 1 my cat, 1 my man, and 1 is saved for a wild card later. Might get a bird or something.

#9 - I will not laugh like a hysterical maniac inside my head every time I see an Oregon Ducks fan make a big O with their hands that totally looks like a big asshole. Sigh......I might have trouble with this one. In fact, I've already broken it 186 times today watching the Rose Bowl. I am already a failure.

#10 - I will forgive myself for not succeeding at resolution #9 and I will pretend it never existed.

I think that about covers it. That's all the success I can handle without my head exploding and becoming so enamored with myself that y'all look like the pathetic losers you are. So for the sake of your sanity and self esteem maintenance I will go no further with my Resolutions (cuz I'm gonna keep all those bitches!).


WarmSocks said...

LOL - Those are great. They'd fit right in with my resolution to gain five pounds :)

Happy New Year

Julie said...

Perfect. I like your style. Good luck on your 5 pounds! Of course, we women can do that depending on the week of the month.

Julie said...

Perfect. I like your style. Good luck on your 5 pounds! Of course, we women can do that depending on the week of the month.