BWAHAHAHA!

LOVE THIS!

Stop Using Sex As A Weapon

Apparently sex does sell (you horny bastards!) as I've gotten more comments and emails on my last post then any other recent ones. You guys need to get laid. Seriously.

You know I love you right? If you really loved me...............

Smooches!

As Seen on TV......

Apparently, someone got caught having sex at our hospital last week. Someone meaning an employee.

Do people really do this shit? I mean seriously. Why, oh why, would you want to drop your nasty scrub pants in a place full of MRSA, VRE, Staph, and other unknown heebie geebie bugs crawlin' all around? Do you really want your nether regions exposed to the crap that the 45 year old alcoholic vomited up onto your partner's leg 2 hours before? I mean REEEEAAAALY?

Gross, man.

Just Gross.

Pretty soon we'll have to have a mandatory educational session entitled "How to Prevent Hospital Acquired Vaginal MRSA Infections."

Lesson #1: How to keep your pants on

Lesson #2: How to keep your vajayjay clean

Lesson #3: How to sneak around outside of the hospital so you don't have to do it here.

Lesson #4: How to properly finish your antibiotic prescription

Lesson #5: Prenatal classes

I might be able to understand this if Dr. McSteamy worked at our facility....... but he doesn't. Nor does anyone that remotely resembles him work there.

Sigh................ life just ain't ever like TV, ya know?

What Are We Made Of?

I always knew that nurses had balls of steel. HERE is the evidence. One single nurse takes on the IRS and wins - without a lawyer.

It's All About the Numbers, Yo.

I have a houseful of 9 year old girls tonight and I feel the need to imbibe in a little fermented grapes until I'm about a .245.

No, Seriously. I do.

I can think of about 10 other things I'd rather do than head up a slumber party for eight screaming little girls. The first thing that comes to mind is spend 2 hours standing 3 feet deep in sewage.

Therefore, I shall pour myself a tall glass of wine, put a movie on for the beasties, and head to the back bedroom to surf the internet and read a book.

Let the screaming begin!

I just hope nobody gets hurt. Would it count as practicing nursing under the influence if I put a bandaid on a scraped knee after a glass or six of vino? What do you think?

Shit, Crap, Turds!

Damn It!

I came to check in with my lovely blog boss this morning and I ended up deleting mutliple comments people left on my last post. How the HELL did I do that? Obviously I need fired ASAP.

So to you lovely readers that left comments (except you assholes that left all the links for Viagra - hear this - I am a wo-man. WO-MAN. I do not have a penis. Though apparently on my birth records the nurse checked off Testes as being normal, so really - who knows?), I'm not censoring you on purpose. So no shouting to the Man about how I'm violating your rights of free speech and all that shiznit. UmmmmKay?

I do know that Candice called my cat a whore. The nerve (how'd she know?)! And a Vet told me to spay my cat - to which I though, why spoil my whore's good time?

Now off to figure out how the hell I did that. Might have a little something to do with the fact that I highlighted everything and hit Reject instead of Publish? Nah, I'm pretty sure that's not it. That'd be, like, a stupid mistake. Like, a 12 year old would make. Geez. You think I'm that dumb?

Don't answer that.

Off to find a good vet for my little whore........

Cleaning House

I spent the last couple of hours going through my links and reading other people's blogs. I had to do a ton of clean up, because many people have closed down their blogs. How sad. Some people gave reasons, some didn't, and some just plain disappeared. Some of my favorite reads are just.....plain.....gone.

It's kinda like loosing that damn book you JUST KNOW you placed on the night stand last night and now it's gone - damn kids took it and hid it again. You'll probably find it under the cat's litter box because Little Sally Sue thought the cat needed a lifted litter box just like the neighbors loud ass truck. Only now you can't read it because that fucking feline scratched her litter full of shit over the edge of the box and smeared it into the page edges of your book.

Then you think to yourself, "I knew I shoulda put that damn cat to sleep last week."

Speaking of cats, mine is in heat. I've never seen a cat in heat before. Hell, most people who knew me 10 years ago are probably shocked that I have ever even seen a cat. I hated the little purring, stinking, shedding, shitballs. But now I kinda like our little MiMi.

Until last night.

I have never seen a cat that wanted to get it on with a cardboard box. She wants to get laid so bad she's just screaming about it. Little hussie.

Drug Seekers and Seizure Fakers, Oh My!

I found this over at Madness: Tales of an Emergency Room Nurse and I laughed my ass off. I'm so glad she found it and shared it.

I love that the "ER" is a mini-mart. Completes the whole concept.

Obligatory Resolutions

I hate January.

The month of "I-must-change-my-life-and-become-a-better-person-right-this-instant-but-will-probably-fail-within-2-weeks-when-I-rip-ass-on-the-gas-station-attendant-for-spilling-unleaded-down-my-car." Seriously. Personal improvement? Bettering of our lives? Pashaw I say. It's a bunch of crap.

You TOTALLY know (now I sound like my 12 year old) you will be back to your old self within 18 days, so why bother?

Alas, I've been told it is a requirement of living in our great United States of America that I must make a list of resolutions for the New Year. Who knew? Therefore, in the spirit of rebellion that flows throughout the veins of my soul, I shall make resolutions that I know I can keep, rather than professing that I'm changing my life and becoming the perfect example of a modern day Mother Mary. I prefer to make goals that fit nicely into my life and require very little work. Why not feel some bit of success, eh?

So without further ado........

#1 - I will wake up every day (Whaaat? You don't know how that is a challenge for me sometimes. I like to avoid the world, pull the covers back over my head, and dream of running my own country. I have admirers there - and servants. And they allllllll adore me).

#2 - I will go to sleep every night (Ok, so this one isn't so hard for me - see above. I like to visit my country).

#3 - I'll probably laugh a few times, cry at least once (maybe twice - depends on what my dear lovely manfriend does to piss me off), and yell at my poor innocent children frequently (don't worry - they're used to it. They've learned to tune me out).

#4 - I shall engage in arguing with my haters. Now that is always a fun time. Pushing buttons - it's a great thing!

#5 - I will find a few new blogs and love them for about 2 months. Then never go back to read them, until I find them again 8 months later and think they're new ones I've never seen before.

#6 - I will tell a story to Yolie and lose topic in mid-sentence, diverting to what we're going to do Saturday night instead.

#7 - I will read approximately 102 books, some of them twice - again, not remembering that I read them the first time.

#8 - I will tell someone I love them. Probably 5 or 6 someones. 2 of which will be my children, 1 my dog, 1 my cat, 1 my man, and 1 is saved for a wild card later. Might get a bird or something.

#9 - I will not laugh like a hysterical maniac inside my head every time I see an Oregon Ducks fan make a big O with their hands that totally looks like a big asshole. Sigh......I might have trouble with this one. In fact, I've already broken it 186 times today watching the Rose Bowl. I am already a failure.

#10 - I will forgive myself for not succeeding at resolution #9 and I will pretend it never existed.

I think that about covers it. That's all the success I can handle without my head exploding and becoming so enamored with myself that y'all look like the pathetic losers you are. So for the sake of your sanity and self esteem maintenance I will go no further with my Resolutions (cuz I'm gonna keep all those bitches!).