Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Birthing of the Bowels

I think I'm on a poop roll. Everything I do lately seems to be centered around someone taking a crap. There is a black cloud of shiznit hovering over my head. Sigh..............................

I walked into Exam 2 to help Lucy "roll someone over" yesterday. She's learned how to manipulate me - and manipulate me well. "It'll only take a second," she whimpers.

I walked into a wall of odiferous haze. Oh..........my.............god.

It smelled like the bowels of hell. Literally.

Mr. Intoxicated had crapped himself. For the first time in 8 days. Lucy looked at me from the back of the stretcher and winked. I flipped her off. We set to work and got him cleaned up, changed to a fresh gown, and settled back in.

"I have to crap!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed.

Oh Lord.

We quickly assisted him up to a bedside commode where he proceeded to give us a play by play of his bowel movement. We apparently had ringside seats.

"OH OH OH! It's coming! It's coming!!! I can feel it starting to come out."

Grunt.

"Oh, wait. It stopped. I think I'll push harder." Grunt, Grunt, Strain.

"Here it comes! I think I've got it!"

Long pause.

"Nope. I was wrong. Lordy, I can feel it hangin' there."

Lucy was holding her hands over her mouth trying not to laugh. I just stood staring at the guy with my mouth hanging open.

"Seriously?????" I mouthed to Lucy.

She snorted.

"Oh!!! Here it is! Here it is!" PLOP. The bowel movement finally arrived.

I felt like I should have clapped.

We proceeded to admit him to the floor for detox and some abnormal labs. I volunteered to take him up - not the smartest move of my day by any means. The floor nurse and I transferred him from the stretcher to the bed where he decided he had to crap again. Instead of waiting for us to get the bedside commode, he just let loose - and loose is a definite understatement. The dramatic ejection of the poop plug in the ER had broken the dam. The river was overflowing the banks! My lower legs were suddenly (and shockingly) covered in his diarrhea.

Sometimes I wonder why I go to work every day.


4 comments:

girlvet said...

that is hilarious! We've all been there..

Orthette said...

...Obviously you go to work every day because it is very exciting, and very glamourous, and because _someone_ has to be shat upon and it's gonna be you.

TheHMC said...

Talk about poop all you want, I have a tendency to do that too(having 5 jillion children..ok not really). I had to laugh though.. and hard.. at the "I felt like I should clap" comment. I'm Loving it.

la-piernanegra said...

This is such a gut buster (get it?) I had the same shit (Pun intended) happen to me a few years ago. Except his butt pee went allover the stretcher, the floor and wall behind the stretcher. The floor nurse was gagging. Ohhhh good times.