Monday, January 02, 2006

So? It's A Slow Day.

Bored ER nurses are a dangerous lot. If you didn't think we were psychotic when you first met us, you certainly would if you saw us on a slow day. When there is nothing coming in through those doors, you have to entertain yourself in some way- and offering money to every staff member that walks by to go throw themselves in front of the first moving car they see is entertainment of the highest sort.

There are some warning signs that the ER has had a slow day. If you ever see a CPR Annie sitting in a waiting room chair with a foley coming out of her mouth, a rectal tube in each ear, and a speculum in her right hand - you'll know what's happened. Especially if you see chicken heart Bob, the ACLS dummy, next to her holding the exam light with a condom cath on his head. Don't you know they were just married and had a little wedding night mishap? So they've come to the ER requesting a foreign body removal.

Another warning sign is the sudden miraculous movement of a corpse. A body bag on top of a stretcher in the hallway is a very dangerous thing to walk by. You must watch out for suddenly groping hands or the shriek of the dead. It's pee-your-pants-laugh-inducing when someone jumps 3 feet in the air as a scream comes forth from the stretcher, even better when the corpse suddenly sits up and fights against the body bag. You get 10 extra points if the visitor runs frantically down the hall yelling "He's alive! He's alive!"

Be very, very careful (I cannot stress this enough) in an empty room. It's amazing how nurses can fit under stretchers and grab ankles when you least expect it - though I must put a little warning in here to wear gloves, because you just never know when someone will pee their pants. Go ahead, ask me how I know. And let me just say here that doctors have absolutely NO sense of humor.

So as we sit and pray for trauma, chest pain, or an always fun out of control schizophrenic, please keep in mind that visiting your local ER on a slow day could provide some very cheap entertainment. Just watch out for those body bags!

1 comment:

Melissa said...

That would be perfect, especially during the halloween time of year.