Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Am The Patient....... (and not a very good one either)

I have found out that I am the type of patient I want to punch in the face. Seriously. I have issues.

I broke my ankle after Christmas. I knew it as soon as I stepped my foot wrong on the step and rolled my ankle 180 degrees. I mean I *instantly* knew it was fractured. I heard a pop, felt a crunch, and lost my balance. Then I proceeded to fall down the next 3 steps........ in front of my 13 year old child.

It was awesome.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE how much it hurt. Holy balls batman. I needed to puke, hyperventilate, and scream "Mother Fucking Fucker of all that is Fucked! What the Fucking Fuck? AHHHHHH!" all at the same time. My poor child was standing there with her hand over her mouth unsure on if she should laugh, cry, or tell me to shut up because I was embarrassing her (my bet is the latter). My mother came running down the stairs after me, screaming "I'm calling 911! I'm calling 911!"

Now let's talk about my mother - she's a do you say it......... Hystri-fucking-ONIC! I had to catch my breath and tell her if she called 911 I'd have to cut a bitch. There is no way in hell I'm letting my EMS coworkers come pick me up. They'd probably get me naked and stick a rectal tube in.... or somethin'. Just sayin'.

My mother backs the car up into the driveway (almost taking out my head in the process - thank God my 13 year old has the reflexes of a cat and knows how to scream "STOP!" in 0.25 seconds), and I manage to pull myself up into the passenger seat. I do believe the neighbors got quite an eyeful of my ass in the air while I was crawling into the seat too. I've always wanted to be in the annual neighborhood block party slide show - I figure they can use the pictures of my ass for that.

Away we go to the hospital.................

My first thought as Mark came out the door was....... "Oh shit." He's the best nurse we have, but he's also Ron White on crack. I was going to be spending the next 2 hours with a jacked up jokester who would hit on my mother even if she was 85 years old and using a walker. Mark helped me out of the car into a wheelchair and rolled me back to the exam room.

I was sobbing like a 3 year old who got her Barbie stolen from her. Seriously. I could not control myself. It was like something possessed me and would not let me stop crying.

What the fuck?

I don't cry. I just don't. I mean, unless I am pissed off and thinking of killing you or frustrated because you are being an asshole and I can't punch you in the face. Otherwise I don't cry.

Except for this time apparently.

I think Mark was wondering who the hell I was. He looked at me like I was an alien with 3 heads. He was not used to seeing me act like I even remotely had a heart. I think I shocked him into silence.

Until I cried out between snot rags............"OH God - I haven't shaved my legs!"

Mark laughed and then shoved a BIG ASS needle into my vein - followed by some morphine that I'm SURE he was using to shut me up. I mean really.......12 mg of morphine for a little fracture? It couldn't have had anything to do with the fact that I kept asking for "just a couple more milligrams Mark." I was just trying to maintain a 0 pain level, right? I KNOW you all know what I'm talking about (especially you haters who bitch me out every time I post about drug seekers).

Anyway, Mark was awesome as always, even though I whined like a baby the entire time I was there. They got me splinted, gave me some percocet and sent me on my merry way. I go in for casting on Monday. Hopefully then I can bear a little weight on my leg. Living on crutches and being non weight bearing this past week has sucked balls. It's hard to get around with metal extensions attached to you.

So I lift my crutches to all you people out there! Happy New Year! May you enjoy and injury free 2012.