Thursday, June 15, 2006

I Want To Be A Drug Seeker. I do, I really do.

Vicodin, Percocet, Demerol, Morphine, Dilaudid ~ it's all good. Take a little back pain, add one narcotic and flavor with a splash of muscle relaxer. Oh yeah, heaven has just arrived.

So, I should have listened to Jon when he said "Don't go to softball practice. You'll only make it worse." But seriously - what do men know?

I did not listen to him. I know I should have (they say hindsight is 20/20), but I did not. I went to softball practice (with the hospital softball team, mind you) with my back already hurt and I woke up the next morning unable to stand up straight. Yes ~ he was ......................... do I dare say it? ................................. He was RIGHT (insert audible gasp here)!

I walked into work Saturday morning walking like I had a corncob up my ass ( a direct quote from one lovely lady I work with). The instant I saw Dr. Z, I begged for a prescription. "Please, give me Vicodin. Anything containing a narcotic. Just knock me the hell out and call it good."

Then I realized...................I am a drug seeker. Yes, I am that crazy, irritable, give-me-the-damn-drugs-now-before-I-kick-your-ass patient. I could name my drug (Vicodin). I could name my strength (5/500). And..................I could name my directions (1-2 every 4 hours as needed for pain). "Really doc - I'll only take 2 at a time. Oh and throw in a little flexeril while you're at it".

So I've decided to go with it. Why not join the ranks of the drug seeking public and just ask for a little narcotic every time I see the doc. That stuff is gooooo-ooood! I love that nice little high you get right before your head rolls to the side, your tongue drops out of your mouth, and the drool starts to flow down your chin. It's a nice little place to be. Spinning room, tingling toes, and a smile in your brain - it's heaven in a little white tablet. God is good. He gave us all this special little gift.

Vicodin? Check.
Percocet? Check.
Morphine? um...................... "Now, Julie. I don't think you're hurt that bad."

"Yes. Yes I am doc. I'm totally hurt that bad. Really. See? I can't walk."

"Julie - we just ran a Code together. I saw you walk."

"No you didn't," I challenge.

"Um. Yes I did."

"Damn you and your morphine hording self! Damn you to hell!"

I think I better go to bed and have myself a little Vicodin cocktail. My back hurts.